I AM NOT THE CULPRIT!

Knock Knock… Silence… Knock Knock. I struggled to get off the couch, it was one of those lazy afternoons that you just want to be a ‘couch potato’, changing channels, eating this and that. Life can be sweet sha o… Knock Knock knock… The knock was getting louder this time

Me: shuo, who wants to break my door o, biko?

Man 1: Murmurs… oh someone is home, thank God!

As I hear man voice, na him I come activate catwalk mode… My future husband cannot now come and pass me by.

Me: who is it? I’m coming…

I opened the door and the next thing an entourage of humans are standing there in my (father’s) living room.

Man 1: good afternoon madam, we are from the state *something something*

I didn’t quite hear the rest of what he was saying… My mind had travelled, for a split second; I thought I was Omotola Jalade acting a scene on a movie set or something; I was all prepared to play my role right. Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by this man’s croaky voice as he continues…

Man 1: please is this the residence of Mr. Xoxo Lagbaja?

Me: Ha! Yes, this is his residence. He is my cousin; he lives here with us, bla blab blah blab

Man 1: is he home at the moment?

Smelling trouble in the air, na him I change mouth talk truth.

Me: errrm sir, he doesn’t exactly live here. He comes for a few days during the week or sometimes he just spends the weekend, and then goes back to his own apartment…

Woman: So what you are saying is, you will take us to where he lives?

Me: *scratches head*… errrm, actually ma, I don’t know where he lives. I know the area, but I’m not quite sure the exact address. Why don’t you give him a ring? I can give you his number…

This woman means business o, she cuts me again mid-sentence as I’m trying to reach for my phone.

Woman: look, young lady. We are not here to play, we have tried all the numbers your brother or cousin, whatever he is to you…

Me: cousin, ma

Clearly ignoring me, she continues

Woman: We have tried all the numbers he gave us to no avail. Also, this is the address he has on all his documents as his residential address. I’m not sure what pranks you all are up to, I’m afraid you may have to follow us to the station.

Huh? Station ke? This madam may have to repeat herself in English, biko I can’t shout. The next thing I know, my mouth is moving, but I can’t hear myself.

Me: I’m afraid I can’t go with you to the station. What have I done? As you can see (pointing to my ‘call to bar’ picture), I am a lawyer, a law-abiding citizen…

Before I could continue, Man 2 speaks for the very first time with a very ‘konk’ Yoruba accent.

Man 2: aunty, you have a right to remain silent because…

The next thing, I hear shouts of “aunty, aunty… aunty wake up now”. That’s how I jumped up from my bed to find Grace standing by the side of my bed, the next thing I heard her say is “police said I should ask you if you want toast for brekfass”. Police ke? I’m finished, it wasn’t a dream afterall. Surprised I asked again, “police said you should ask if I want toast for breakfast?” She could not hold herself anymore as she laughed, “see aunty o, who call police name here? I say, mummy said I should ask you if you want toast for breakfass”. Relieved, I answered, “oh mummy… Tell her yes. Thanks dear”. Wanting to bask in my folly, she lingered on a little longer to complete her mission to mock me. “Aunty it’s like you are dreaming of police ba? In the village, when police…” If I don’t stop her now, I’d have missed the opportunity of a lifetime. Seeing that I didn’t have the luxury of time or patience for her drama, I replied, “Grace! You know mummy is waiting for you right?” After which I turned back to sleep almost immediately, not giving her the chance to finish.

To be continued… xoxo

Yours truly

Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

BONUS – FACEBOOK POST.

So I woke up this morning and went straight to Facebook to vent, lol. I have copied and pasted my Facebook update below to sort of make up for all those days I was too lazy to come here. I think by this I may be slowly losing my ‘faceless-ness’, lol. There you go…

___________________________________

Okay so I have not exactly been ‘audible’ on Facebook for sometime now and I think that should give me a right to rant, yeah? Cool.

I stayed up late last night to read random news as per I have a holiday today and there was really no point sleeping early + I had to catch up on the world, seeing as I was far behind happenings and times. And oh boy, catch up did I.

First things first, how did we sleep and watch things get so horribly messy around these sides, eh? All I seemed to read about were vices; pure evil, wickedness, greed, lies, corruption, cheating spouses, etc. but there were a few that specially ministered to my already aching heart and opened my eyes to realise that I am probably the only sane person I know (everyone is allowed to speak for themselves here), I don’t know what the next person ‘smokes’ for a living. Back to the matter, I thought it was an established fact that RAPE is plain evil and there is no justification here or anywhere else for that matter for it. News flash: if you think the rapist is evil, let me add here that the one justifying rape on behalf of the rapist with nonsense like ‘indecent dressing’ is the devil himself. The sad part is how it is usually women that come up with rubbish talk like that. The same way it is women that blame women when husbands cheat or just generally misbehave, the gist is usually, “you did this” or “…didn’t do that”. I’m not sure whether to weep or cry sha.

The other day I was crying about how there is so much hypocrisy in the society that it forgets to teach/raise/train male kids (apologies if this doesn’t apply to you. I don’t mean to generalise as I know of parents that have raised well-balanced CHILDREN. We’ll be here for a long time if I start calling them out), instead the focus is on the girl child. And even then it is not out of love for the girl or in obedience to the holy book’s teaching on training a child the way he should go, it is usually from some place of pride, “I raised a ‘marry-able’ girl”. The girl has to learn to cook, clean, submit, dress decently (to attract ‘right’ husband and to avoid being raped), not to argue, not to have a voice, look away when her husband’s urge takes him away, forgive when a man hits her, etc. So she learns all these things and is ready for marriage to apply them rules, but guess what? Who is she going to marry? The one that has learnt nothing. So she gets married, holds her end of the deal like she was taught, but with the man having no deal whatsoever, he deals as he likes – cheating, hitting, etc. Not so bad, yea? She can leave him, right? Errm actually NO! She has a vow to keep, remember? Because it is the singular duty of a woman to keep a vow, lol. Hello! The vow was broken the moment the other person cheated or hit you or something, what you are holding unto after that is a place to live and not any vow as there is no more vow (feel free to disagree with me sha). I’m not saying y’all can’t fix your marriages or forgive each other oh, but the fixing should be done by the two parties involved and not just one party, especially not the one that has been/is being oppressed.

We live in a society where common sense is not so common after all, wickedness and inhumanity are disguised as culture or religion, the evil we perpetrate under these umbrellas, ehn? Thank God for His mercies. I love how we can interpret the bible as we like, cool stuff, yea? Just remember that God cannot be mocked. I have met some ‘christian’ men and the only verse they know in the bible is the verse on submission, they can’t be bothered about the verses preceding or following that one. Can you blame them? Is that not all they’ve heard around them? Their grandmothers used it as advice to their mothers, their fathers were constantly reminding their mothers about how she failed to submit every now and then, their mothers gossiped with friends about how they were happily married because of it (bearing in mind that happily married actually means still living under the same roof with husband), oh such great news! Don’t lie, if it was you too, you will desire the same submission from your wife now. The one that allows you to do all manner of evil and still win because your wife has a duty to submit and a vow to keep. Trust me, I will desire it too. So they grow up spreading the news of submission as well. Being a Christian myself (the type that tries to actually study the bible and not the type that inherited Christianity from the generations before me), I have studied this whole love/submission thing and trust me, it is not as sweet as it looks. Especially not for the men sef, but that gist is for who wan know sha. So hey, that’s the society as we have found it and who born me to change it? (You will soon know!)

The things I read last night plenty sha, from legal system to corruption to the change process, etc. but these ones I have discussed entered me differently. I am upset that I didn’t write my thoughts at the time because I didn’t really remember most of it this morning, but I tried sha.

So I need to end all my plenty talk with a summary. Parenting is responsibility, all it takes to birth a child is sex between a male and a female (well there are more ways though, but you get the message), however being a parent is a lot more than that. There is no underestimating the role of the family in building a better society. We are here shouting change, a thousand Buharis cannot change Nigeria if we are not willing to accept change… Starting from the way we raise our CHILDREN (male and female). Teach children boundaries, respect, values, social skills, commitment, empathy, love (for themselves & others), responsibility, the fear of God (if you believe in God), confidence, etc and see if things will not change for the better. People will understand that the girl walking naked on the street has not invited anyone to her body, hence her refusal to invite must be respected. Or that the wife is a partner, friend, human capable of understanding and being understood, not a property, slave, cleaner, or respect-producing-machine. That she too can say no to sex and this does not give permission to force her or to go to Miss Back-up. That the country’s money may pass through your hands for some reason but it doesn’t give you a right to take some from it. And so on and so forth. My dear people, it is not rocket science, it is common sense, one that most of us are not taught because it doesn’t help us to be ‘better’ wives. I have a christian angle to this my story, but I’ll leave that for the appropriate audience.

Meanwhile, like everything I have ever written, I am not an authority, as a matter of fact, I don’t know anything (to further prove how much I don’t know, see how I talked about marriage and I’m not even married. Lol). This post may offend some and excite some others, neither reaction was my intention. I observed and gave my two kobo. Y’all can join voices with me both in agreement and disagreement, you are very welcome as I’m all for learning.

PS. I just hope that I don’t have all those Facebook friends that don’t know how to disagree politely, they must fight. Biko if you come here like that, you are on your own oh! Plus feel free to point out gbagauns, I’m not a professional writer!

Posted in Amateur Writing, Facebook Post, Random | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

MY STORY…

Hello everyone. I am back and better with my story as promised in my last post. Y’all sit back and relax as you read my true-life not-so-interesting story (thank God it’s an anonymous blog & to those who know me, I wish I didn’t reveal myself too soon, lol, but it’s fine); please however uninteresting you find my story, find it in your heart to pick a thing or two from it. Thank you.

The past couple of months have been quite stormy for me with unanswered questions, regrets, worries, etc. Before then, my life was close to perfect, I was just a young quiet Christian girl, trusting God to take care of all the things in my life especially the ones I didn’t quite understand. Everyone thought I was stupid but I persisted in prayers reminding myself that worry and prayer are two actions that should never see eye to eye, it’s either you are doing one or the other and so I chose to pray because it was convenient. It never gave me headaches, prayer didn’t always give me the answers I sought but it gave me hope that the answers could come tomorrow or the day after, so I continued. Worry on the other hand did me no good, just headaches, so I avoided it like the plague. The problem I had was with the people around me – concerned family and friends, out of the goodness of their hearts wanted me to be worried because like most of us, they have concluded that worry is the way to fix things.

It wasn’t long before ‘trouble’ struck and I thought, “why didn’t I worry all along, it would have pushed me to do the ‘right’ thing?” You can guess what happened after that – I gave in, I worried. As a matter of fact, I earned the title of ‘queen of worriers’, then I realized that I started worrying too late as the deed was done and there was no way to undo it, then I worried some more about why I didn’t worry earlier and what I could have changed in all my ‘superwomaness’ if I started worrying early enough. I have chosen not to say, “the devil is a liar”, because I don’t like clichés, but I’m sure you get my point. The worry-chain started…

After a while, I prayed and sang hymns and all that I could to lift my spirit, the result was – one minute, I’m up and all happy and the next I am down and depressed with regrets. Some days, I’ll say, “God is not punishing me for all my sins, He let this happen for a reason; God please what do you want me to learn from this?” These were the good days, on the other days, I’d say, “I am a sinner, I was stubborn and proud and God is punishing me. He will never forgive me.” Those were the really bad days and I wanted to die and just end it, then I took a look at my past and remembered times that I had wished the world came to an end because of an experience and how God did not answer my prayers of bringing the world or my life to an end but He looked deep in my heart and gave me peace. Today when I look back, I wonder how I ever came out of such ‘life and peace threatening’ situations, lol. That is how God rolls, so I trusted Him again. I knew He was going to do it but I was anxious, I didn’t care about His time, I wanted Him to do it now because I say so (feel free to join me in laughing at me). I did not know that He was using even my ignorance to prepare the most delicious delicacy for me and He was certain I’d enjoy it when it is served on my plate. I am not a mother yet, but I will never give my most precious and beautiful niece whom I love with all my heart a life wire/electric cable to play with however much she desires and cries for it. I hate more than anything to see her cry but for a life wire/electric cable, I will gladly watch her move from soprano to alto with those tears, as I know that crying never killed anyone but a life wire/electric cable has been known to take many lives. Even something as tiny as a pen, I try not to give her for fear that she can put it in her eye by accident and we all know the result of that. I didn’t give birth to her but I love her more than I’m willing to admit and I am that protective of her. You can imagine how my heavenly Father works, He made me to love me, how do you think He is going to give me an electric cable with flowing current to play with just because I have desired it so badly and I am crying for it?

I knew all these things but I am human, there is usually the need to try within your own power. Lol. I had to find peace at all cost, so I went for it – I bought books, as usual. I bought different books from motivational books to Christian books that felt like they spoke to my situation and other books on the shelf. To be honest, the problem I had with reading these books most of the time was that they usually spoke about stuff I wish I had known earlier to avoid the mess I was in and not necessarily addressing the situation itself. Sometimes the books helped; sometimes they felt, ‘a little too late’ and I’ll end up crying myself to sleep and then wake up in the morning, up this minute and down the next. By this time, my family and friends had gladly divided themselves into three groups – the blamers, the consolers and the fencers; all being present but offering no help whatsoever. I avoided the blamers more than anything as I was far from ready to travel that road.

In the end, when all else fails, we go back to the beginning to drop all our cares, but the question is – where is the beginning? I’ll leave you all to ponder on my question as I go to prepare the sequel to this story. I have divided the story into two parts for now, out of fear that I might bore you with long gist and also to keep you coming back, lol. Please come back for more with your friends and family next time. Thank you. xoxo…

Yours truly

Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!

PS. I do not promise that the sequel will be anytime soon, as a matter of fact it will take sometime, there will be other posts in between, but it will come at the right time.

Posted in Amateur Writing, Life Stories | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Back And Better!

Hello everyone. I feel so bad that I’ve not been here to attend to my baby-blog for a while. I sound like a bad mother, abi? Like who does that? Have a baby (start a blog) and not be around to nurture it and watch it grow. In my own defense, I’d say that life happened but that’s not a good way to go about it, so I’ll just be humble enough to apologise to my baby (blog) for abandoning her and to her few friends (readers), for making their friend malnourished and causing them an eyesore in the process. I am so sorry; y’all gotta learn to forgive, yea? Lol.

“God works in mysterious ways” – it is a phrase that most Christians are familiar with and I bet we have used it more times than we can count but the truth is, there are quite a few like me who never truly understood it. I know this for a fact now; outside of the cliché that God works in ways that we will never understand and trust me when I say it is for our own good in the end. In the past couple of months I have started taking giant strides in my Christian walk a lot more than in all my years of being a Christian and I’m not there yet, it is a journey till the end. I now understand Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 more than I did before. Isn’t it beautiful to learn how God takes all our life’s experiences; the good, the bad, the ugly, the tears, the laughs, etc and mixes them together in a special recipe for our own good? I have learned never to waste any experience however painful, yes it could have been a result of my mistakes but guess who never makes a mistake? He wants to use even my mistake for His glory. Awesome!

Before you all start wondering, “why is she coming all holy on us today?” I want to let you know that’s not what this is about, far from it. I have come back to share a story and before I go on to tell the story, I thought to first share some new truths about a loving Father that I never understood until now. My story will be published in my next post.

Thank you for forgiving me. I hope that I am back for good now, no more disappearing acts. I hope to nurture this baby into a beautiful and healthy adult, as I trust you all to help me on this journey through constructive criticisms and general feedback. God bless you all. xoxo

Yours truly

Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!

Posted in Amateur Writing, Life Stories, Random | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thank God It’s Faith Friday (TGIFF)!

This is how faith works; think it, believe it and then start walking… One step at a time, take two steps if you want; just keep walking. Don’t try to calculate the distance to your goal, walk some more. You have not reached your goal? Yes, but you have left the ‘start’ point, don’t rest, walk on…

Slowly, surely, you will get there and you will realise how faith without works (walks) is DEAD! xoxo

Yours truly

Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!

Posted in Amateur Writing, Random | Tagged | 1 Comment

The One With The Routine

I had the longest day ever at work on Monday (or so I thought, until Wednesday came and I knew I had judged Monday too soon). I had managed to leave work at about 5:15pm because I had to be in church for 6:00pm, for the Monday Bible study with the children as I had promised the other aunties; plus the children would be disappointed if they got to church and there was no ‘Jesus Aunty’. As I drove to church, I tried hard to dodge every possible traffic trap I could think of, my heart cannot take the accusations of children. So I struggled through traffic and reckless driving to arrive at my destination on time and in one piece. To God be the glory!

I got to church at about 5:38pm and thankfully; no ‘Jesus Child’ was there before me. The little bits of answered prayers here and there that make a mighty testimony when put together, but most times we are too busy to notice. I had an awesome time with the children in His presence, from trying to get the toddlers to stop crying to answering very smart questions from the older children, you can say that two (2) solid hours ran quite fast and it was time to go home. As much as it was all fun with the kids, I was more than glad to be enroute my bed. I was tired!

The drive home was even longer; it was filled with thoughts and dreams about the future, pleasant places, things, etc. In the middle of it, I remembered that I was supposed to be running home to watch an episode of Friends – The one with the routine. I have watched this particular episode of Friends and other episodes over and over again, I don’t know what was so special about this one (but I lie. The part where Monica and Ross did the routine, now that was special). If you know me well, you will know that Friends has never had a bigger fan; it’s almost the only TV series I have watched from the very first episode to the very last episode back and forth and still watching (gist for another post). I couldn’t wait to be home in a bit to my bed and ‘friends’. Yaayyy!

Thinking of Friends, future, plans, ‘the routine’, etc; I realised how my life in itself had become a routine of sorts. Week after week, I have found myself repeating the same activities over and over and even in the same manner. I can imagine how easy it will be to kidnap me (this is not an invitation to kidnap though, nobody will pay ransom oh. Don’t bother), you can tell where I am on Monday at 8:00am just as you can be sure that I’m on the Tennis Court at 7:00pm on Thursday – this is the story of my life, my reality, my routine! I don’t know when or how I got here, but here I am, the question now is “how do I get out?” And the answer is simple – I’ll try to do things a little different in the next couple of days and see what happens; will I form a new routine, go back to my old routine or just do stuff as they come while doing the dance routine? Your guess is as good as mine.

In other unrelated news, something happened today that got me beating myself up about whether I made a right decision or if I didn’t really think my decision through, which will mean it was a bad one. I am having mixed feelings about the whole drama that just played itself out in my already dramatic life. Maybe I’m not as strong as I like to think or as wise as I have always believed, but I’m sure of one thing – in God’s routine, weeping may endure for the night but joy always comes in the morning. You must agree with me, that is the surest routine ever.

Finally, maybe it is not so bad to have a routine you live by everyday; maybe it is an awesome idea to do the dance routine with an old friend every now and then, when life gets tough; nothing is certain, live today while you can because life is too short to be worrying about your routine life or lack of it. Please feel free to share with us what your routine for the week usually looks like, if you have any. xoxo

Yours truly,

Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!

Posted in Amateur Writing, Life Stories, Random | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

From Temple Run to Temples…

Back in the days when I loved playing Temple run (back like 2011/2012 kinda back), I will play it for hours and not get tired. With me hitting a high score of 52 million; and I know it’s them witchy friends that I have that have refused to allow me score higher and be great. Till today, my wallpaper on my iPhone is the temple run picture (badass babe)! Well, somewhere along the line I got tired of temple run as well as many things. I became bored or more like boring and somehow I have chosen to blame it on the period of my temple run addiction. Who said prayers don’t get answered? Meet my complaining friends to teach you how to pray.

Fast forward, yesterday I was bored out of my head at work and that’s when I remembered my old love – Mr. Temple Run! So I took my iPhone, ignored my 48% battery life knowing well that I left my charger at home, and reignited my romance with my ex lover as I struggled to climax to that point when you hear the victory sound that lets you know you have hit high score again, all these to no avail.

As I thought of Temple Run, High Scores, old love, climax, etc I remembered an incident from my days in Secondary School. Before I go ahead to tell my story, share this testimony with me – EDUCATION IS POWER. Not just academics, overall education is a blessing. Back in the days, we had fewer distractions than is the case today, so most of what we did was study… Well, that was the case with ‘my goons’ (it’s a faceless blog, I guess I’m allowed to use ‘goons’ here) and me sha. I can say that my vocabulary then was a lot better than it is today. I read everything readable; from those ‘yeye’ romance books to actual literature and when there was nothing else to read, we still had our textbooks. The good thing about reading is that you get to discover new words in the process, and this allows you expand your vocabulary; some words you have to look up in the dictionary, some you just know from the context it was used in the story and I guess this was the omission of this particular friend of mine. I was usually the story teller; the one that will read a book, gist about it, analyse the characters like they were personal friends, then go on to criticize the story, the plot, the characters, writer, etc. Unlike other young girls that got shy especially when they were retelling all them M&B stories, I didn’t care that much I’ll just get out with my gists to everyone else’ surprise even if our seniors were there.

On this day, I was busy gisting about some silhouette book I had read when I spoke about how the handsome character wiped his temple and there was this girl in the gathering, she could not help it, she yelled, “nawa for you o, the way you say these things sef”. To say that I was not confused that day, “on top temple matter ke?” And she was like, “yes now, it’s a bad thing o”. I had to ask, “Biko, what is temple o?” She went on to explain that she wasn’t quite sure but she had an idea because the guys in all these romance novels seemed to be wiping their ‘temples’ most of the time. Hahaha. In view of her point, it was okay to conclude that temple was you know, that ‘thing’ that guys have. True though, I noticed too that the guys in all these sort of books were always wiping temple before/during/after the act, but I knew what temple was so I didn’t ever think it in that direction.

Playing Temple run today and remembering my ‘temple’ incident from long ago got me thinking, why were all them hot guys from our romance novels wiping temples every now and then? Could it have been a deliberate plot to mislead us to think that temple means something different? Is there any relationship between actual temple and that ‘thing’ temple? And plenty more questions that I really want to ask, but I’ll just wipe my temple and pass, seeing that I am already sweating from the thought of it alone.

To this day, I still laugh out loud whenever I remember that incident. Although in the end, I really cannot say that I know a lot about Temple or Temples (a girl can only wonder), but Temple run? Now that was my own thing! xoxo

Yours truly

Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!

Posted in Amateur Writing, Life Stories, Random | Tagged , , | 2 Comments