Hello everyone. I am back and better with my story as promised in my last post. Y’all sit back and relax as you read my true-life not-so-interesting story (thank God it’s an anonymous blog & to those who know me, I wish I didn’t reveal myself too soon, lol, but it’s fine); please however uninteresting you find my story, find it in your heart to pick a thing or two from it. Thank you.
The past couple of months have been quite stormy for me with unanswered questions, regrets, worries, etc. Before then, my life was close to perfect, I was just a young quiet Christian girl, trusting God to take care of all the things in my life especially the ones I didn’t quite understand. Everyone thought I was stupid but I persisted in prayers reminding myself that worry and prayer are two actions that should never see eye to eye, it’s either you are doing one or the other and so I chose to pray because it was convenient. It never gave me headaches, prayer didn’t always give me the answers I sought but it gave me hope that the answers could come tomorrow or the day after, so I continued. Worry on the other hand did me no good, just headaches, so I avoided it like the plague. The problem I had was with the people around me – concerned family and friends, out of the goodness of their hearts wanted me to be worried because like most of us, they have concluded that worry is the way to fix things.
It wasn’t long before ‘trouble’ struck and I thought, “why didn’t I worry all along, it would have pushed me to do the ‘right’ thing?” You can guess what happened after that – I gave in, I worried. As a matter of fact, I earned the title of ‘queen of worriers’, then I realized that I started worrying too late as the deed was done and there was no way to undo it, then I worried some more about why I didn’t worry earlier and what I could have changed in all my ‘superwomaness’ if I started worrying early enough. I have chosen not to say, “the devil is a liar”, because I don’t like clichés, but I’m sure you get my point. The worry-chain started…
After a while, I prayed and sang hymns and all that I could to lift my spirit, the result was – one minute, I’m up and all happy and the next I am down and depressed with regrets. Some days, I’ll say, “God is not punishing me for all my sins, He let this happen for a reason; God please what do you want me to learn from this?” These were the good days, on the other days, I’d say, “I am a sinner, I was stubborn and proud and God is punishing me. He will never forgive me.” Those were the really bad days and I wanted to die and just end it, then I took a look at my past and remembered times that I had wished the world came to an end because of an experience and how God did not answer my prayers of bringing the world or my life to an end but He looked deep in my heart and gave me peace. Today when I look back, I wonder how I ever came out of such ‘life and peace threatening’ situations, lol. That is how God rolls, so I trusted Him again. I knew He was going to do it but I was anxious, I didn’t care about His time, I wanted Him to do it now because I say so (feel free to join me in laughing at me). I did not know that He was using even my ignorance to prepare the most delicious delicacy for me and He was certain I’d enjoy it when it is served on my plate. I am not a mother yet, but I will never give my most precious and beautiful niece whom I love with all my heart a life wire/electric cable to play with however much she desires and cries for it. I hate more than anything to see her cry but for a life wire/electric cable, I will gladly watch her move from soprano to alto with those tears, as I know that crying never killed anyone but a life wire/electric cable has been known to take many lives. Even something as tiny as a pen, I try not to give her for fear that she can put it in her eye by accident and we all know the result of that. I didn’t give birth to her but I love her more than I’m willing to admit and I am that protective of her. You can imagine how my heavenly Father works, He made me to love me, how do you think He is going to give me an electric cable with flowing current to play with just because I have desired it so badly and I am crying for it?
I knew all these things but I am human, there is usually the need to try within your own power. Lol. I had to find peace at all cost, so I went for it – I bought books, as usual. I bought different books from motivational books to Christian books that felt like they spoke to my situation and other books on the shelf. To be honest, the problem I had with reading these books most of the time was that they usually spoke about stuff I wish I had known earlier to avoid the mess I was in and not necessarily addressing the situation itself. Sometimes the books helped; sometimes they felt, ‘a little too late’ and I’ll end up crying myself to sleep and then wake up in the morning, up this minute and down the next. By this time, my family and friends had gladly divided themselves into three groups – the blamers, the consolers and the fencers; all being present but offering no help whatsoever. I avoided the blamers more than anything as I was far from ready to travel that road.
In the end, when all else fails, we go back to the beginning to drop all our cares, but the question is – where is the beginning? I’ll leave you all to ponder on my question as I go to prepare the sequel to this story. I have divided the story into two parts for now, out of fear that I might bore you with long gist and also to keep you coming back, lol. Please come back for more with your friends and family next time. Thank you. xoxo…
Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!
PS. I do not promise that the sequel will be anytime soon, as a matter of fact it will take sometime, there will be other posts in between, but it will come at the right time.