As I travelled along, my body grew tired; my legs were weak and my soul, thirsty.
I sat on a stone, looked up at the sky, the sun shone very bright and I thought, “Behold, the day is young and I have until dusk to finish my journey. I shall rest here a little”.
I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky again; the moon had sent the sun to sleep. The day was over and my journey, undone. Then I thought, “I cannot travel in the night. I shall have a drink of water and rest here a little until I see the sun”.
I opened my eyes again, many ‘suns’ and ‘moons’ after; the sun was as bright as I’d known it; the stone I sat on was the same. The only difference was my hair; it was all grey, oh no, and my face too was old, my eyes were dim, my youth had gone with the years of sitting and waiting; and my journey remained unfinished. My dreams were the same, and they were after all – just dreams!
I died long before I started living, until it was impossible to live again and I thought – I can only exist until I die the final death… No?
I started writing again recently after a very long break and trust me; it’s all shades of strange. First, I don’t have any music playing in the background. I never write anything without music, I don’t even have proper music in all my gadget life; IPad, IPhone, IPod, Blackberry, Laptop, Media Player, ITunes, etc (oh yes, I brag, how else will you know what I own? :p). I had a couple of old songs on my Blackberry until last week, my memory card decided to wipe off all my stuff while I was trying to ‘DJ’ at my mum’s birthday.
It’s not just my musical life (or lack of it) that’s faulty, I’ve stopped reading, eating well, hanging out with friends (food for thought: do I still have friends sef?), and general fun stuff. Until now, I didn’t realize how much of me had died; I don’t even know how and when I stopped living. I just thought – oh well, I’m getting old; it’s okay to be bored and all.
It’s a phase many can relate with; that phase where you are almost not interested in anything anymore. You know how your friends call to say “hello” and they ask what you’ve been up to and your answer is always either “nothing much” or “just there”… That’s the problem right there, there can’t be nothing much going on, you have to make plenty happen plus you don’t need me to tell you how sad it is to be – just there. This was my wake up call – nothing much + just there.
Oh well… Now I know, I’m not old… I cannot be called that, until I’m about sixty or thereabout and even then, I’m not sure ‘old’ will be appropriate. Even my dad at sixty-five doesn’t refer to himself as old, so… Let’s leave old alone.
I want to start living, but the deal is usually to wait till the end of the year, do the ‘New Year Resolution’ thing again, live by it for the first week in the year… carry it a little into the second week, maybe and then back to ‘Dear Sweet Old Life’. That’s a ‘No Deal’ for me. I have a whole lot to start doing immediately, life is short, I can’t wait to start living again; I want to write again, read book after book after book, get another degree, I want to own a bicycle and ride it around, I want to paint, draw, dance like I know how to, make a few good friends, reunite with my good old friends, be nicer to the lover, do the big chop, learn to sew and all the other things I’d have done if I didn’t grow up fast, I want to be sixteen again, I want to be FOREVER YOUNG and I want to start NOW! So help me God.
I will start with my baby steps and as I advance or perhaps when life happens, I hope that I can always come back to this space to share… xoxo
Lawyer, talker, gistaranta!
P.S. I wrote this post on the 17th of July 2013 and saved it at about 01:12am (at least that’s what my computer said). I wrote the first and second half as two different posts on the same day, however, for some reasons ranging from lack of topics to the similarity in their content, I decided to merge them together as one post. Plus, the lover I spoke of in paragraph five (5) of the second-half post is not the lover again, lol… So much has happened since my decision to start living again – almost two years ago.